Today is half over, and by the time I'm done with the other half, I'm guessing I'll nearly have passed out. For various reasons I do not find worthwhile going into. Its being one of those days when you ain't got the blues, but you just feel blue.
Having turned a shade of metaphorical blue I look into the things I need to get done today. I have to finish collating the service tax liabilities for an extremely well paying client, who wishes to build an 'industrial complex' somewhere in Bangalore. For those who live on this shit, let me tell you that this contract of theirs is kicking my arse. Its a 2 headed contract with too many babies (sub-contracts). Unholy it is. After which I must commence research on another "question of law". I am a lawyer by fluke and not choice, and finding facinating case-laws is not something I find terribly exciting. Then I must speak to my landlord today to convince him to allow me to stay for another couple of days. I am supposed to vacate the premises by Sunday. Also I need to give all my dirty clothes for wash and ironing so that I can fit them back in my rucksack. Also I need to meet couple of old school friends, one of whom I haven't met since I left school and the other I probably won't meet for quite sometime after I leave Bangalore. Needless to say, being school friends I really want to meet them. The unfortunate bit is, in a working man's life even your friends get clubbed with "things to do". This is something I detest yet can't help. Work is not just God, its a part of your life that takes priority over all other. Even the fact that some of your batchmates are locked up in their PGs/rented apartments out of fear that still has not abated.
While at work today, I'd been visiting the various blogs I had earmarked to read. They've become my substitute for a smoke break, because I can't take too many. Most of them carried personal responses/reactions to the "terror attack" on Mumbai. Even though the various responses were radically different from one another, varying throough a range of emotions from anger to sadness to absolute numbness, I couldn't help but notice a singular thread of despair common to all.
Despair, Desire's ugly twin (ref: Sandman Graphic Novel, Neil Gaiman). Despair followed by its younger cousin Numbness (my own addition). The common man's solitary weapon/drug to carry on after he realises that his desire for revenge/putting things right is futile.
I personally underwent swings in feelings of anger and utter helplessness, knowing that I too shall eventually succumb to numbness and move on with life. All I can do is remember, and I will remember. I will not forget. Its the least I can do. I'd rather grow numb to the pain, still keeping it with me, than forget that I ever felt it.
Having turned a shade of metaphorical blue I look into the things I need to get done today. I have to finish collating the service tax liabilities for an extremely well paying client, who wishes to build an 'industrial complex' somewhere in Bangalore. For those who live on this shit, let me tell you that this contract of theirs is kicking my arse. Its a 2 headed contract with too many babies (sub-contracts). Unholy it is. After which I must commence research on another "question of law". I am a lawyer by fluke and not choice, and finding facinating case-laws is not something I find terribly exciting. Then I must speak to my landlord today to convince him to allow me to stay for another couple of days. I am supposed to vacate the premises by Sunday. Also I need to give all my dirty clothes for wash and ironing so that I can fit them back in my rucksack. Also I need to meet couple of old school friends, one of whom I haven't met since I left school and the other I probably won't meet for quite sometime after I leave Bangalore. Needless to say, being school friends I really want to meet them. The unfortunate bit is, in a working man's life even your friends get clubbed with "things to do". This is something I detest yet can't help. Work is not just God, its a part of your life that takes priority over all other. Even the fact that some of your batchmates are locked up in their PGs/rented apartments out of fear that still has not abated.
While at work today, I'd been visiting the various blogs I had earmarked to read. They've become my substitute for a smoke break, because I can't take too many. Most of them carried personal responses/reactions to the "terror attack" on Mumbai. Even though the various responses were radically different from one another, varying throough a range of emotions from anger to sadness to absolute numbness, I couldn't help but notice a singular thread of despair common to all.
Despair, Desire's ugly twin (ref: Sandman Graphic Novel, Neil Gaiman). Despair followed by its younger cousin Numbness (my own addition). The common man's solitary weapon/drug to carry on after he realises that his desire for revenge/putting things right is futile.
I personally underwent swings in feelings of anger and utter helplessness, knowing that I too shall eventually succumb to numbness and move on with life. All I can do is remember, and I will remember. I will not forget. Its the least I can do. I'd rather grow numb to the pain, still keeping it with me, than forget that I ever felt it.
2 comments:
Its the kind of work you do (and so do most of us) that makes us numb. Funny that you describe both numbness and your work in the same post.
yes i agree they go hand in hand. but we the people,ideally are supposed to live our lives the best we can and provide for those who depend on us.and such lives are usually self centred and "numb" for whatever reasons.however this is how most choose to live out their lives and and right or wrong, we live in a bloody democracy, thus people should be able to choose their way of life.we shouln't have to take to the streets/arms out of compulsion.the thing is even when "we" ought to "we" cant because of the kind of work we do.hence the numbness/helplessness.
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